I don’t know how to succeed. I’m not good at succeeding. I don’t think anyone is. That could be my attempt at comforting myself. But it seems more and more apparent that everyone — from the guy begging on the street, to the spiffiest business person — is completely winging this shit. So instead of giving advice on how to succeed — which I cannot stress enough, would be a blank page — I’ve decided to write about what I know. And ultimately, all I know is how to not completely fuck it up.

Typically these guides are written in pop-psychological mumbo jumbo. They’ll be formatted as lists, because of course they are, and each item would read like a manual for how to talk to your underachieving child; ‘Do your best’, ‘Understand your limits’, and one weird unexpected one like ‘Speak to your inner spirit warrior’. And each item’s text would be a lot like a eating an entire package of french twist pastries… satisfying until you consider how much useless junk you stuffed into your brain through your retinas. (My doctor isn’t happy with the way I eat pastries.) But my guide will be different. It will be full of actual experiences, catering to only a very specific audience. ME. So if you’re not me, I certainly hope you can get something out of this. But, I doubt it.

If you are me, then I am having a dissociative episode right now, and I should probably lie down.